Be Kind, Rewind.

I'm now officially turning this into my own blog. so just ignore the other postings, they were for an english class. yeah i know that i could just make another blog, but i like my url. and i'm too lazy. lately i've been really stressed out with school and stuff. i took my chem placement test today, and that blew chunks like literally. i spent most of my time figuring out what the problem was trying to ask me. and the weather just added unto it, it was super windy and the rain was so ghastly. then i went to college group like usual, and i felt really left out. maybe it's because i don't try? but i really don't want to intervene or interrupt what they're doing; usually playing cards. i just feel like such an outsider. i'm stuck in my own bubble, forced to see the things around me, but yet i can't react to them. i don't feel like myself anymore, because i know that usually i am a pretty vivacious person, and that spark is momentarily lost. well this week, i felt like myself i think on wednesday? i was just hanging out with friends before english, and i felt so happy. i couldn't stop laughing at something, though i don't remember what it is. i just wish that moment was every moment. sighs back to the drawing board.

i realize that i somewhat sabotage my relationships with people. to see if they really do care about me. i remember sophomore year in high school, i was really depressed because my 1st serious relationship just ended. i thought about suicide often, and contemplated on whether or not i should end my own life. i finally snapped out of it, when i realized WTF am i doing with my life. i was just throwing it down the toilet, and that is not the right way to cherish life. then came the steady influx of guys, i don't know why i even dated them, if i wasn't sure. the last relationship i was in was a rebound, in which i feel horrible about. i didn't mean to hurt him, it was just really bad timing. i should have said no when he asked me out. especially if i didn't feel the same way he did, i think i was just so flattered that a guy was even talking to me. it's because my last serious relationship with DQ, was so emotionally abusive, that i was just so lost. my mind was all jumbled up, and i don't know why i stayed with him so long. it was such a horrible relationship, he was everything that a boyfriend shouldn't be. but somehow i looked past his flaws, because i truly loved him. i jeopardized my relationship with my parents and my friends for him, and that is something that i'll always regret. but it's a lesson, which i will take to heart.