i feel numb. like something just sucked the soul out of it. it is like someone took a hammer and pounded on my heart, and it's begging for its life. I wonder if i should go see a therapist, because i feel like i have too many emotions bursting inside. I don't dare show this, because i don't want people to know that i am depressed. they think i'm a happy go lucky person, but they don't know the story. i don't want people to worry about me. i don't even burden my best friends. why is it that a person can hurt another person without feeling? Without repercussions?

She Makes Dirty Words Sound Pretty

i feel like my lungs are gasping for air. the sun casts a shadow over me, and it is in that shadow that i thrive. i remain an anonymity, an afterthought. because i'm not important enough, to be remembered. No one likes being left out, but it's part of life. I get that it was a last minute thing, yet i live so close, and i'm still not invited. I get that i was never really close to you, but for my own close friends to forget about me. now i know why i can't be around you guys anymore. you suffocate me, you pressure me to be someone else, always putting up this image, and i want to escape. correction, i have escaped from that labyrinth. some people are meant to be in your life forever, and others are only meant to make an appearance. it just takes time, to forget. and the harder you try, the further away you'll push away them away. Right now i know that i am drifting away from them, and i'm not going to try anymore, i'm just going to let the sail free, and if it heads in the right direction, then kudos. In order for a ship to sail the seas aimlessly, it needs a crew, sails to control it, and the wind. People, direction, force.

he's the moon and i'm an eclipse

Hmm today was a so so day. Had a math quiz, that i did not study for. I deliberately watched the closing ceremony instead. how's that for procrastination? then afterwards went to the gym, channing's house, sports authority, and lunch with michael. it's his birthday tomorrow. YAY! i feel like i'm slowly drifting away from a certain individual, and getting closer to another one. One of them has been acting rather peculiar lately, and i wonder why. Is it because of jealousy? Is it because he has to mark his property, exsqueeze you, but i'm no one's property. PROPERTY OF GOD. He's been awfully touchy, and actually weirdly nice. Seriously, there have been no insults or ridiculous name calling. And i find myself drawn to the other guy. I wonder how the cookie will crumble. i feel like i have no control in what happens. I don't want to hurt one guy, in order to get closer to the other guy. So i decree, that i should just let things be, and whatever happens, happens right? I can't quite figure out guys though. Why are they so confusing, and send mixed signals? oh wait, that sounds like me. HAH, the irony of it all.

flowers bloom, but not before their time.

Be Kind, Rewind.

I'm now officially turning this into my own blog. so just ignore the other postings, they were for an english class. yeah i know that i could just make another blog, but i like my url. and i'm too lazy. lately i've been really stressed out with school and stuff. i took my chem placement test today, and that blew chunks like literally. i spent most of my time figuring out what the problem was trying to ask me. and the weather just added unto it, it was super windy and the rain was so ghastly. then i went to college group like usual, and i felt really left out. maybe it's because i don't try? but i really don't want to intervene or interrupt what they're doing; usually playing cards. i just feel like such an outsider. i'm stuck in my own bubble, forced to see the things around me, but yet i can't react to them. i don't feel like myself anymore, because i know that usually i am a pretty vivacious person, and that spark is momentarily lost. well this week, i felt like myself i think on wednesday? i was just hanging out with friends before english, and i felt so happy. i couldn't stop laughing at something, though i don't remember what it is. i just wish that moment was every moment. sighs back to the drawing board.

i realize that i somewhat sabotage my relationships with people. to see if they really do care about me. i remember sophomore year in high school, i was really depressed because my 1st serious relationship just ended. i thought about suicide often, and contemplated on whether or not i should end my own life. i finally snapped out of it, when i realized WTF am i doing with my life. i was just throwing it down the toilet, and that is not the right way to cherish life. then came the steady influx of guys, i don't know why i even dated them, if i wasn't sure. the last relationship i was in was a rebound, in which i feel horrible about. i didn't mean to hurt him, it was just really bad timing. i should have said no when he asked me out. especially if i didn't feel the same way he did, i think i was just so flattered that a guy was even talking to me. it's because my last serious relationship with DQ, was so emotionally abusive, that i was just so lost. my mind was all jumbled up, and i don't know why i stayed with him so long. it was such a horrible relationship, he was everything that a boyfriend shouldn't be. but somehow i looked past his flaws, because i truly loved him. i jeopardized my relationship with my parents and my friends for him, and that is something that i'll always regret. but it's a lesson, which i will take to heart.

It's My Dick In A Box

In Big dicks, Asian Men, i was partly confused. I thought that this play was just the first page. But when i turned the page, i was like what is this story? Because there wasn't a title. In the part where the woman accuses a man of selling her a counterfeit bag. The police officers put some men in a lineup, and apparently there is no suspect. The first man has a British accent, and he has had this accent since he was 12, when he watched a James Bond movie. He was upset because he didn't have an Asian role models growing up in movies, until Jason Scott Lee showed up. Asian men didn't get laid because he "didn't stink enough." This reminded me of when Marshall did his spoken word wearing an Asian Pornstar shirt. He talked about "is bigger really better" and talked about the integra is really small, and the big american cars are gaz-guzzling. i really agree with that. Toyota and Honda are the leading car-companies. Chevy and GMC right now are sinking in this economy. I think its doesn't matter about size, it's how you use it. I know how everyone always thinks size matters. But it really doesn't. I remember this one personal story my brother told me about this guy in his class. Apparently the guy drank a lot of squirt everyday, because he heard that it makes his private parts bigger. In our society right now, everyone is getting enhancements: male or female. Women think its more attractive if they have bigger boobs, and that is the only way they will be able to get husbands. Because the first thing that see is their appearance, and not their personality. For men, it's simply a confidence booster. It's what differentiates them from the other males. Everyone looks the same in clothes, but once the take off their clothes, you see this huge anaconda. Now I think some people have way too much confidence, and may come off as quite arrogant. I hate those people.

Is bigger really better?

Makes Me Wonder

While reading R.A.W by Diana Son. I was really shocked and speechless. These women are so blatant about their feelings. I've never heard this line before in a literary piece before, " Who'll have dinner on the table and dessert between my legs. Who will give him the blowjob of his life." Maybe it's the fact that I've been so sheltered and that I haven't been able to experience these things before. Also i really liked the fact that there were many different stories within one literary piece. There's the korean girl, whose parents wouldn't let her american boyfriend, Paul, eat any of their ethnic food. There's the queer asian girl, which everything thinks is really cute. But no one would in their wildest dreams, think that she was a lesbian. Then there's the "we were not a classic Korean couple." They were together for a while, but then when he said he loved her in korean "sarang-hae", she didn't say anything back. She couldn't say it because "how could [she] use words that had no meaning to me to say what I knew in my heart." I understand how she feels though. My ex-boyfriend was viet, and when i told him that i loved him, i said it in english. I couldn't bear to say it in viet, because somehow it wouldn't feel the same to me. I would simply just feel like an imposter.