i feel numb. like something just sucked the soul out of it. it is like someone took a hammer and pounded on my heart, and it's begging for its life. I wonder if i should go see a therapist, because i feel like i have too many emotions bursting inside. I don't dare show this, because i don't want people to know that i am depressed. they think i'm a happy go lucky person, but they don't know the story. i don't want people to worry about me. i don't even burden my best friends. why is it that a person can hurt another person without feeling? Without repercussions?

She Makes Dirty Words Sound Pretty

i feel like my lungs are gasping for air. the sun casts a shadow over me, and it is in that shadow that i thrive. i remain an anonymity, an afterthought. because i'm not important enough, to be remembered. No one likes being left out, but it's part of life. I get that it was a last minute thing, yet i live so close, and i'm still not invited. I get that i was never really close to you, but for my own close friends to forget about me. now i know why i can't be around you guys anymore. you suffocate me, you pressure me to be someone else, always putting up this image, and i want to escape. correction, i have escaped from that labyrinth. some people are meant to be in your life forever, and others are only meant to make an appearance. it just takes time, to forget. and the harder you try, the further away you'll push away them away. Right now i know that i am drifting away from them, and i'm not going to try anymore, i'm just going to let the sail free, and if it heads in the right direction, then kudos. In order for a ship to sail the seas aimlessly, it needs a crew, sails to control it, and the wind. People, direction, force.

he's the moon and i'm an eclipse

Hmm today was a so so day. Had a math quiz, that i did not study for. I deliberately watched the closing ceremony instead. how's that for procrastination? then afterwards went to the gym, channing's house, sports authority, and lunch with michael. it's his birthday tomorrow. YAY! i feel like i'm slowly drifting away from a certain individual, and getting closer to another one. One of them has been acting rather peculiar lately, and i wonder why. Is it because of jealousy? Is it because he has to mark his property, exsqueeze you, but i'm no one's property. PROPERTY OF GOD. He's been awfully touchy, and actually weirdly nice. Seriously, there have been no insults or ridiculous name calling. And i find myself drawn to the other guy. I wonder how the cookie will crumble. i feel like i have no control in what happens. I don't want to hurt one guy, in order to get closer to the other guy. So i decree, that i should just let things be, and whatever happens, happens right? I can't quite figure out guys though. Why are they so confusing, and send mixed signals? oh wait, that sounds like me. HAH, the irony of it all.

flowers bloom, but not before their time.

Be Kind, Rewind.

I'm now officially turning this into my own blog. so just ignore the other postings, they were for an english class. yeah i know that i could just make another blog, but i like my url. and i'm too lazy. lately i've been really stressed out with school and stuff. i took my chem placement test today, and that blew chunks like literally. i spent most of my time figuring out what the problem was trying to ask me. and the weather just added unto it, it was super windy and the rain was so ghastly. then i went to college group like usual, and i felt really left out. maybe it's because i don't try? but i really don't want to intervene or interrupt what they're doing; usually playing cards. i just feel like such an outsider. i'm stuck in my own bubble, forced to see the things around me, but yet i can't react to them. i don't feel like myself anymore, because i know that usually i am a pretty vivacious person, and that spark is momentarily lost. well this week, i felt like myself i think on wednesday? i was just hanging out with friends before english, and i felt so happy. i couldn't stop laughing at something, though i don't remember what it is. i just wish that moment was every moment. sighs back to the drawing board.

i realize that i somewhat sabotage my relationships with people. to see if they really do care about me. i remember sophomore year in high school, i was really depressed because my 1st serious relationship just ended. i thought about suicide often, and contemplated on whether or not i should end my own life. i finally snapped out of it, when i realized WTF am i doing with my life. i was just throwing it down the toilet, and that is not the right way to cherish life. then came the steady influx of guys, i don't know why i even dated them, if i wasn't sure. the last relationship i was in was a rebound, in which i feel horrible about. i didn't mean to hurt him, it was just really bad timing. i should have said no when he asked me out. especially if i didn't feel the same way he did, i think i was just so flattered that a guy was even talking to me. it's because my last serious relationship with DQ, was so emotionally abusive, that i was just so lost. my mind was all jumbled up, and i don't know why i stayed with him so long. it was such a horrible relationship, he was everything that a boyfriend shouldn't be. but somehow i looked past his flaws, because i truly loved him. i jeopardized my relationship with my parents and my friends for him, and that is something that i'll always regret. but it's a lesson, which i will take to heart.